Balancing Life & Fast Pace Business
Life has been moving pretty fast for me lately. I have no problem admitting that it's hard to balance it all. When you start running your own business and hit the ground running, you're always going to have bumps, lulls, and moments of "what the hell am I doing?!". Even though I spent most of my working life working under people and doing a regular 9-5 type job, it gave me the in's and outs of runnning a business on a large scale, which I think benefitted me in lifting off on my own. I know I'm not a big business, and that these lulls are still normal, even for a small one.
Opening and launching my business officially in September 2025, I felt completely out of my comfort zone. Not only was I growing as an artist and taking some of the largest leaps of my life, but being a new photographer on the scene with almost no experience feels like saying "Hey, I promise I'm good!". I can also admit with every shoot I've done (and chance I've been given), that I've learned something for the next shoot. But I also hit the scene knowing what I could do- I felt my vision, I felt the calling, and I knew I had to stop ignoring it. It was terrifying.
I still felt/feel happy with the outcomes of those first shoots and what I was able to create for my clients, but you are ALWAYS learning. The learning doesn't just stop one day. You don't just reach a threshold of knowing absolutely everything you could ever know about something-- if you do, you need to dig deep. A part of that mindset (that you've met the threshold) means you are closing yourself off from learning. After doing years of therapy, I learned and had to hold the value strictly that I had to keep myself open to learning. I couldn't let my ego rule me. Not only would that keep me from being an open person, but it would also keep me in a negative mindsent that could have tons of negative consequences. Thus, walking the line of humble-ness and the fake-it-til-you-make-it confidence you need to survive nowadays.
A huge part of it all is having your work tied to your self worth. For years, I let myself be used by corporate systems and felt a sense of self worth with my work doing public service. Helping other students (I had been one at one point in time and then actually got hired into the education system) made me feel like I was doing something in this big machine, helping out the world one small (or large) accomplishment at a time. But the harder my job got (management issues, position changes, and continued management issues), the clearer it became on how much my work ruled my life. No matter how hard I tried to move through my day with grace, I continued to find myself entagled emotionally with spreadsheets and Zoom meetings. I was worked down to not caring for or about myself, living for the "comfort" of the salary, health insurance, and the hopes that one day it would get better.
My entire life, art has surrounded me, but for some reason, no matter how much art I created, how much I accomplished, I still thought that I couldn't be an artist. Couldn't have that be a main part of my life. I had to have a real job. I had lived so much of my life being beaten down by so called friends, teachers, ex-boyfriends, abusers, and the patriarchal systems that are designed to erode our self confidence and make us compliant in hopes of potential comfort one day (401K, retirement, etc.). I didn't think there was REALLY anything beyond that. Or, not for me. I couldn't do that. I wasn't capable. Imposter syndrome is a cruel, cruel illness.
I struggle with chronic health issues, mental health issues, and whatever daily life issues I get thrown at me. I've always thought I was a chaos magnet, but I've been validated by close friends and my partner in the past few years that for some reason, chaos is attracted to me. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. Sometimes I'm insanely lucky, sometimes I'm insanely unlucky. It depends on the day. Working my 9-5 was eroding me mentally, emotionally, and physically, so even though it was hard to let go of the "comforts" (including health insurance ugh!), it changed my life entirely. Having the space to actually think about myself and my own self worth has entirely changed my life. I started hitting a point of saying to myself "Why do I think that I can't do it?".
Born into an artistic family, I was raised with musicians and mixed media artists, drawing and painting my heart out as a child, dancing and singing no matter where I was, my life was full of whimsy and joy. It feels like I've spent my whole life trying to get back to that part of my life. This shift in career and choice to "struggle" more has been the best choice I could have made. It was like watching the brain washing wash away and feeling free, clean, and clear for the first time. I knew what I was meant to do. It just wasn't the easy way. It never is for me, and even though sometimes I grow frustrated that it never is, it's the road less traveled and the road most worth traveling.
But here I am now. It's May 2026, I have multiple travel dates and goals set for this year. I met my goals for 2025 (choosing me, choosing my life, investing in a photography & twitch streaming set up so I could fully pursue my dreams, getting my first paid clients) and I still think about how thankful I am for it every single day. In no way has it been easy. Battling everything that we have been (financial issues, health issues, apartment complex/housing drama & issues, family losses, the chaos doesn't stop...), I've often felt like returning to the comfort and choosing something "easier". But the easy way is also an illusion. It's so much harder than following your truth, following your heart, your dreams, and knowing at the end of the day that you made the right choice choosing yourself.
I'm back in the fullest swing that I can be after moving apartments and uprooting my life again, and ready to get back to my art. I've also been sitting on ANOTHER exciting announcement.
With the move happening, I wasn't able to properly celebrate that another one of the photos from our "Mob Wife" photoshoot from March this year was selected to be in another issue of Lybell Magazine! We made it into issue 244, which is the April 2026 edition of Lybell!
This shoot really was a "banger" as some would say. I will never get tired of these photos!
This year has already tested us in a multitude of ways, but this year has also given me some of the most amazing opportunities of my life. I absolutely cannot wait for the rest of the year to unfold. If you made it this far into my ramble-- thank you for being here, thank you for being interested in learning more about me and my life, and thank you for being a part of my village.
I'm trying to learn it's okay to celebrate yourself. It's okay to celebrate yourself loudly. It's okay to speak confidently into the universe, it's okay to believe in yourself even if you're afraid. It will all be the way it is meant to be.
Cali travel dates still have booking and collaboration spots available! Don't forget you can get the ball rolling with booking me by RSVP'ing on my website sageandshutter.com !
Great read.....Good for you! Keep it up!